Day 99: July 8, 2024

What are My Thoughts Today?

I am grateful for The Path because there is an online forum to share your thoughts with the group, and it turns out I'm not the only one going through growing pains when it comes to being one of the only sober people in my social group. After I wrote about my own sadness on there, a few others have concurred - they feel it too. I think all of us will be reworking our in-person social lives for quite some time, and it's okay that this adjustment period feels sad. I have never been a fan of negative emotions, so I've often used busy-ness, alcohol, logic and sheer force of will to overlook things like sadness. This isn't the healthiest way to do it, because it can give way to shame if I am trying to repress how I really feel. I am working on allowing myself to feel sad without instantly trying to "fix" it.

In this particular case, all the "fixes" I have thought of are really long-term solutions, so they will take a while to implement. But it still helps to have a plan. For one thing, I think I do want to try AA. I have a lot of mental resistance to that model, but I have no real experience to back it up. So maybe I will indeed find other people with similar experiences, interests and values there, if I don't go into it with a chip on my shoulder.

So often we build up walls by accident because of our preconceived notions, and I can pretty much tell you I have a lot of preconceived notions about Alcoholics Anonymous. It isn't really fair of me, either, because I very much don't like it when people make judgements about the The Path. My motto should be, "If it works for you, great... Maybe it could work for me, too!"

I also need to remember to not over-generalize. For example, when I went out with that group of friends last week, two of them were not drinking at all. Yes, five of them were, but it wasn't everyone. And not everyone was drinking heavily. So of course I feel separate when lots of people are drinking (and even more so when it's heavy drinking), but I am realizing that probably there are other people in my group who feel uncomfortable as well when some people start getting drunk. I bet most people who have one or two drinks don't like being around hammered folks any more than I do! Maybe this can be an area of connection I hadn't considered before — there could be more people to bond with out there than I originally thought.

I am grateful that moderate drinking doesn't make people instantly boring. Because if I am being honest, that's true. Now I definitely don't want to be around drunk people regularly, but if someone has only one or two beers I usually feel like we can still connect. Yes, they may change slightly because of alcohol, but they are not anywhere near blacking out. I can live with that, so long as I have at least some sober support in life!

I have a feeling that the longer I journey down the AF Path, the more folks will come out of woodwork saying they, too, are trying to drink less. This is still such a new process, so it can feel really alienating. Nonetheless, I have a feeling with time I'll form new bonds, and that even some of my existing relationships will gradually change for the better.

Additional Thoughts:

I have dealt with anxiety and depression and I think in the past I have tried to shortcut the work to be emotionally well-balanced with drinking. I used alcohol to paper over negative feelings, sadness, anxiety, stress. So I didn't feel like I was growing the way I had always imagined for myself. Even though my life wasn't falling apart, there was a nagging dissatisfaction with my choice to drink so much. I got the sense that I was limiting my own potential because I was drinking instead of doing the work to make / follow through with healthy choices. It's only now that I'm starting to get serious about things like exercise and diet, because I never had the energy or motivation while I was dealing with the aftermath of drinking.

AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 46

My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.

What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?

I felt happy with tea at the end of the night rather then deprived.

Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.