Day 95: July 4, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
Today I woke up feeling bummed out. Last night I met up with my group of local friends at an outdoor concert and I felt disconnected from them for some reason. I initially thought it was because everyone was drinking, but if I'm being honest a couple of them weren't. So I don't think it was really the alcohol – at least not entirely.
In general, I am struggling with feeling set apart from many of my friends. I already went through the experience of feeling "not on the same page" as this particular group of friends in 2021 - 2023 (and to some extent, now). This is because I have been more cautious about COVID than they have. I am high-risk for complications, and I just don't think scientists know enough about Long COVID to be comfortable getting it multiple times. So because of this, I haven't engaged with this friend group as much as I normally would in recent years.
My friends started going out to bars / restaurants / indoor parties pretty much as soon as things reopened. My husband and I are still not doing restaurants / bars because of COVID (unless there is outdoor seating). We are doing small indoor gatherings if people don't have cold symptoms, so that's been a nice change. We are constantly re-evaluating based on new information, but I'd be lying if I said navigating the last four years hasn't been difficult.
Anyway, the pandemic has left me feeling lonely sometimes. There is one friend in this group who has made a point of continuing our weekly hang-outs (she's one of my best friends), and that has meant a lot to me. But I feel like I've drifted apart from the rest of them... Again, they really like going out to bars. Now not drinking on top of it all makes me feel even more like an outsider – it's another layer of separation, real or imagined.
I sometimes worry I'm being a stick in the mud, even though deep down I know this absolutely isn't true! Being Alcohol-Free does NOT make you a stick in the mud if you struggle with drinking – it is doing what is best for your health and mental well-being. The idea that non-drinkers are boring is just a lie that society tells you. People don't really want to look at how destructive alcohol is — they want to feel okay about their choice to drink.
I just feel a little bit un-moored from what used to be "my people"... I haven't really talked to them about this — maybe expressing my feelings of loneliness and separation will help to dispel some of my fears / doubts and together we can come up with some creative solutions. They are very nice people, after all, and I know they care about me. And maybe the uncomfortable truth is that I have changed in ways I haven't fully integrated yet. Or that life is just different post-pandemic and I don't want to accept it. In reality, clinging to the way things used to be isn't going to help me adjust to the present.
It might be nice to find some sober friends to hang out with in person. I should try finding a few local "sober-curious" clubs that are dedicated to a particular hobby. It would be a relief to feel like part of the group (rather than an outlier) when it comes to living Alcohol-Free.
My friends have been very supportive about my decision not to drink (no peer pressure), but they are obviously curious about my choices and they are for the most part still drinking. So I feel like a novelty / curiosity / outlier. And I love everyone I have met online through The Path, but it would be nice to find a couple people to spend time with in person who understand this journey. It would just feel like one less thing to worry about! I never thought about going to AA before today... I don't really love the idea of their overall philosophy, but I don't know how else to find a bunch of sober people in one room, haha.
Just sort of processing everything now... I am sure I'll feel better tomorrow, or even later tonight. Regardless, I do know that alcohol was not contributing to my overall happiness, so drinking would not solve any problems! That in itself is a big win... Onward and upward!
AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 42
My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?
I woke up feeling not hung over!
Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
