Day 75: June 14, 2024

What are My Thoughts Today?

It has been a roller coaster week in my head! I have done a lot of thinking and talking with trusted allies about where the negative self-talk comes from, and besides my Evangelical Christian upbringing (which is surely part of it), I had an emotionally abusive friend in college who I think I haven't totally released from my consciousness. He had a way of turning supposedly positive qualities, like enthusiasm or optimism, into something negative. He would "tease" me a lot in front of our friends (it was under the guise of a joke but it was very hurtful) about my disorganization and tell me that my values were childish.

By the end of our relationship (which I finally ended, after a revelation that he is just one person and his opinion isn't the only one in the universe that matters) I felt really bad about myself. I truly felt incapable of accomplishing anything and I felt like I was immature and my values were rubbish. I didn't trust myself.

I'm not sure why there's a magic spell over you when you are in the clutches of somebody abusive, but I totally believed him when he was criticizing me, and in some ways I am still unlearning the negative messages he piled onto me during that time. I'm not saying that every criticism or piece of feedback you get is untrue if it's negative, but he never said stuff with a kind or gentle heart. It was meant to hurt me, and it worked.

Because of his emotional abuse, I began to see my positive qualities as negative — they had morphed into things that made me feel insecure about myself. I genuinely felt unworthy. This is why I had such difficulty identifying anything positive when the coach talked about making that list. So this was a wake-up call that I'm still giving him power after all these years —19 years, to be precise!

I have been thinking a lot about that list of 10 things that make me worthy that aren't tied to what I do. I started looking back at myself as a little kid, making note of the traits that were visible then and that are still part of me now. Things like appreciation of beauty or enthusiasm or optimism or creativity or determination. These are the traits I can admit make me part of who I am, and they are there whether or not I seem "successful" on the outside. But I have to nurture them and accept them just as much as any negative qualities.

As for the negative qualities and habits (or my shadow side), I don't need to deny that there are things I would like to work on in my life. But I have to remember that to only focus on the negative is to see a distorted version of myself.

From now on, when I am thinking about something I would like to change or work on, I'm going to try to incorporate positive self-talk too... I want to balance out the scales a little and remember my good qualities when I am working on things I want to change.

On Thursday night I had dinner with one of my best friends and even though it always feels a little awkward to be open about your pain, we talked about the experience I had on that coaching call and the negative messages I've been sending myself. I told her about the list I needed to write, and she asked if she could send me one, in case I was having trouble coming up with things. I agreed, and an hour or two after I got home, she sent me this beautiful list (it made / still makes me cry):

Just wanted to fire off a quick list to prove how easy it was! Let me know if you need more or footnotes! 💕

1. Genuine
2. Creative
3. Vulnerable/open
4. Disarming/warm
5. Funny
6. Honest/has integrity
7. Idealistic in a good way
8. Confident in voice/message
9. Stalwart and steadfast in values
10. Generous
11. Gregarious
12. Kind
13. Inquisitive

It was a humbling reminder that I am loved, and for that I am so grateful. And I know her list is genuine because in truth I do recognize these qualities in myself... I had just been discounting them or dismissing them out of shame. It just goes to show you that we truly are meaner to ourselves than we are to our friends. I am going to try to be kinder to myself and to value myself the way I would a friend.

I sent her back a list of traits I value about her too, and I think maybe this is something we all need to do more often. We assume that people know why we care about them or what we see in them or what makes them special, but so often it goes unsaid. That seems like a missed opportunity, especially because so many of us are struggling with self-worth.

From now on, I'm going to try to be more open about letting people know why exactly I appreciate them. If I feel moved to express something kind, I'm going to try to do it and not put it off on some future date. Not to add more pressure to my life, but to brighten up the world around me. Her list truly lifted a load I was carrying (to an unexpected degree) and today I feel more whole, more comfortable in my own skin.

It's amazing how much power we have in our relationships. We can either uplift and celebrate each other, or squash and stifle each other... The choice is ours. This week held some difficult processing for me, but in the end I'm grateful for it this new awareness. 🥲

AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 22

My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.

What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?

I was able to enjoy a meal at a restaurant without any alcohol. I brought some tart cherry juice with me and added it to a blood orange San Pellegrino so it looked just like the wine my friend was having, and also tasted delicious!

Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.