Day 74: June 13, 2024

What are My Thoughts Today?

Yesterday was tough. Maybe I was hormonal, I don't know. But I was on a coaching call where a fellow PATHer was sharing about feeling constantly overwhelmed and like she's failing at everything and not living up to her own high standards. I could relate to this on a million levels. But then what caught me by surprise is that the coach gave her the homework of writing a list of 10 things that made her worthy just because of who she was, not because of what she did. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I was bawling on the Zoom call... And the coach wasn't even talking to me!

I'm grateful I was able to share on the coaching call later in the hour, to start unpacking my knee jerk response, but even after that I was pretty shaken up about it. I don't think I have ever been consciously aware of how negative my thoughts were about myself. I can honestly say that writing a list like that would still be difficult today. However, I am determined to create just such a list at some point in the near future!

I luckily had a counseling appointment later that afternoon, and we talked about this quite a bit. I do have some very negative beliefs about myself that are related to not living up to some kind of moral ideal I feel I should be able to achieve (being like Jesus, most likely, as I was raised Evangelical Christian – though I do not identify that way now). The negative beliefs I hold about myself are that I'm selfish, annoying, inflexible, hard to work with, lazy, unmotivated, terrible with time, disorganized, etc (those are the recurring themes at least).

I don't think I project those negative impressions of myself out into the world very often, and on an intellectual level I don't even accept the idea that you have to do things to be worthy, or that you have to be perfect to deserve human dignity. Everyone is inherently worthy and deserves dignity... Or is it everyone except me? Apparently I have been carrying around quite a lot of cognitive dissonance without even recognizing it.

For whatever reason (and despite my own conscious beliefs), my subconscious still totally accepts these negative beliefs about myself as true. This means my inner critic has tacit permission to berate me constantly. I am hyper-aware of my own flaws, and if I'm being honest, it makes me not very open to critical feedback from others because I already am screaming at myself in my own mind. I don't like being reminded of my shortcomings, and feeling even worse than I already do. But the fear of feedback makes it harder to grow.

I need to do a lot of liminal thinking (exercises like Byron Katie's Four Questions) around these negative beliefs that I hold about myself, because I think they are not going to be rooted out by trying to force self-acceptance or self-love. And learning how to accept feedback with self-compassion will keep me from spiraling into an internal pit of self-loathing or shame, which will make life way less stressful on the inside. That's one thing I'm very grateful for about The Path. Even though it has exposed a lot of painful, hidden thinking to me, at least it gives me the tools to deal with it. I also really appreciate the coaches for helping us to express, work through, and fully process difficult stuff! 🙏🏻❤️🌱

More Thoughts

A lot of the positive beliefs I had around alcohol are already dissolving. The one I still get stuck on once in awhile is that it feels good to check out, so sometimes I still have cravings when I'm stressed. But in reality, if I were to do some liminal thinking around this, it would be pretty obvious that the checking out feeling is temporary and the results later are much worse than any discomfort I felt initially. Plus, I could probably identify a lot of other ways to achieve relaxation when stressed that don't involve alcohol. I can give myself permission to relax, to sit quietly or meditate or read, instead of drinking when I feel bad or overwhelmed. I can find a way to "check out" or "go offline" when exhausted that doesn't involve alcohol.

I also still have a belief that wine is fancy and tasty, but in reality again, liminal thinking would reveal that there are other ways to treat myself well that don't include drinking, and that if society was willing to be honest about the true effects of alcohol, it would seem far, far, far less glamorous. You don't have to hit rock bottom to be a mess from a night of drinking. People get less attractive when they are drunk, not more. So those beliefs that you need drinking to feel glamorous are really just not true. I was surprised how strong my association with champagne and Manhattans and red wine was with luxury. I don't think of cocaine as luxurious, I think of it is gross. But for some reason alcohol had this wild double standard. I am starting to see it for what it really is, a drug that messes people up.

AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 21

My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.

What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?

A silver lining of the emotional difficulties of yesterday is that I really wanted to drink, but for the first time ever, I recognized that it wasn't that I actually wanted to drink, it was that I was sad and I simply wanted to feel better. I recognized, finally, that drinking was just one of the many ways I could comfort myself, and that the other ways would have far less dire consequences. Sometimes it used to feel like drinking was the only possible way to scratch the itch when I was stressed out or sad, but I'm starting to emerge from that fog. The urge to drink is almost always just the need for comfort, understanding, or relaxation in disguise.

Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.