Day 68: June 7, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
Yesterday I saw a doctor about a lump in my breast, and they decided to operate. We are scheduling the surgery this week. It still should be benign (it's something I got biopsied back in 2022), but because it grew in the last two years they want to take it out just to make the doubly-sure it's not cancerous.
The doctor and I had a talk about my drinking as a potential cause of the tumor (I asked). I drank a lot more in 2020 and 2021 than I ever had before, and the tumor showed up the next year. She said it's possibly a factor, but of course there's no way to know for sure. She said that every woman has a 12% chance of developing breast cancer at some point in their lives. Drinking can increase that to more like 20% to 35%, depending on how much you drink, combined with your predisposition to getting breast cancer in the first place.
I don't have any super duper risk factors at this point, other than a couple of maternal aunts with a history of breast cancer (but not my mom or my sister). Two maternal aunts is a very slight increase in risk. She said people who are high risk really should avoid things that disrupt estrogen, including ingesting plastics, taking birth control, and drinking alcohol.
Even if you have a high risk of breast cancer genetically, you can still sometimes mitigate your risk with healthy life choices. So drinking is clearly one you can control, with the proper support. Birth control too. Plastics to a lesser extent unfortunately, because plastics are everywhere. So women have to make the choices that feel right to them, and even then it's not a surefire bet... there's a whole lot of luck involved. But I can't help but wonder about my own pandemic drinking as a cause for this lump. All the more reason to quit!
Anyways it was an interesting conversation! There's no need to wonder "What if?" about drinking, but it's just confirmation of the fact that drinking is not great for women's health. She told me that conventional wisdom says less than a drink a day, but it's more like less than a drink a week or none at all, in terms of decreasing a woman's breast cancer risk.
Additional Thoughts:
I am glad I jumped off the Alcohol Train! 🚇 It wasn't a good ride for me, and I do believe it would have led to worse situations in the future if I had stayed on board. I think if there's any resistance hiding out, it's a feeling of not wanting to accept that my train's route might be different than that of some other people in my life. What I mean by that is: I don't think I've ever had a really healthy relationship with alcohol, but I do believe there are some people who can honestly take it or leave it. Maybe that won't be the case when they're 70, or maybe they truly will never develop problems with it... That's not for me to know or decide. We simply might be on different trains during our lifetimes, and that's okay.
But there's still a certain amount of self-pity or envy when I think about people who can just drink casually. The thought I'm having the most difficulty fully releasing revolves around moderating. I keep holding out hope that moderation is in the cards for me in the long run, but deeper reflection reveals that this hope comes with a certain degree of conflict and cognitive dissonance, and is laden with heavy feelings. Even the fact that I think about it so much is an indicator that alcohol is taking up an unhealthy amount of brain space. The day when I can finally release the idea of moderation is when I'll be fully free from alcohol.
Right now I feel like I'm standing on the platform, deciding which route to take. Eventually I would like to allow myself to board The Alcohol Free Express without looking back. 🚂 (Might as well take this analogy to the end of the line... Sorry / not sorry for the pun!)
AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 15
My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink? I had a great time at dinner with one of my best friends and she didn't bring any alcohol with her, so we both just drank non-alcoholic wine. It was sweet of her not to drink around me. In general, being the lone sober girl is not as bad as I thought it would be (meaning I can get over it when other people do drink around me and still enjoy myself), but at this early stage it's nice not to even have to think about it... Eventually I hope it'll be less of a big deal.
Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
