Day 66: June 5, 2024

What are My Thoughts Today?

Yesterday was a big day for me because I bowed out of a massive, work-related creative project. It was a huge opportunity on one hand, but it simply never felt right in my gut. I generally ignore or suppress my gut feelings out of guilt, but that is something I'm trying to change. I don't want to live the rest of my life over-extending myself.

I already have another huge project I'm working on, and when the second one got added to my plate I thought I could juggle both. But I just couldn't do it and feel okay. Every time I'd think about the second project, a wave of dread would wash over me and a big old knot would form in my stomach. It didn't feel healthy and I was ruminating about it all the time.

So I did what I always do, and tried to rationalize how I could stay on both projects and make it work. I didn't want to let anyone down and I also didn't want to pass up an opportunity. But at the end of the day, if you ignore your gut forever, you're not going to end up in a new destination. You're going to be stuck in that same feeling of overwhelm, which has so long been my faithful companion.

And the truth is, I really want to kick butt on the first project. I don't want to get burned out and not enjoy the process of this first project, because it's something I have wanted to do for a very long time. Even though it was an honor to be asked for the second project, it didn't line up with my plan for my life. I was doing it out of the sense of obligation or fear that another opportunity wouldn't come. Those aren't the right motivations. I want to spend the next year really perfecting the project I had already started. I want to see it through to completion in an empowered state of mind.

I had a meeting with the leaders of the second project yesterday and told them I was not going to continue working on the project. I sent them a few suggestions for my replacement (although that's all I'm going to do — I don't want to stay involved beyond that, because I could see myself getting to invested in who comes after me).

I was so nervous about that meeting because I thought they were going to try to talk me out of it. But I was as firm as I could possibly be, while still expressing (sincere) gratitude for the opportunity. And to my delight, they said that I seemed honest and clear with them and it wouldn't make sense to try to talk me out of it. Of course they were not happy about it, but they appreciated that I didn't wait any longer to tell them. The further I had gotten into the project, the more disruptive it would have been when I had decided to leave.

Although withdrawing from the second project has been something I've thought about for quite some time, the book Burnout helped me to solidify my decision. I would highly recommend Burnout for anyone who feels depleted constantly. You will learn, among other things (like coping skills) that the patriarchy is an a******, and the game is rigged. Although that's kind of a depressing realization, it helps to know that it's not just in my head.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." - Gloria Steinem

Women are expected to give themselves to the fullest extent, even if it's harmful to them. And on some level, it's biological. Apparently when rats are given a test where they are forced to swim without any reprieve or sight of land, female rats keep going for three weeks before they decrease their effort at all, and then after that they never decrease their efforts again. They just keep swimming and swimming. Male rats, on the other hand, they half their efforts almost immediately, and if they don't get any reprieve they half their efforts again. So they simply aren't going to keep trying as long or as hard if nothing is working. It turns out that idea of women #Persisting is backed by science.

Now obviously continuing in the face of adversity is obviously not a negative trait — in so many ways this is what makes women awesome, and my guess is that women will save the world. But if we are realizing the system (patriarchy) and our own biology (never giving up) mean that women are persisting in less than ideal circumstances and men are not, maybe sometimes we can give ourselves permission to change course if something isn't working. Obviously I'm not advocating for complete selfishness here, but if I recognize that my standards for my own efforts have been exceedingly high, higher than those of my male counterparts, then I can give myself the gift of quitting something that doesn't fill me up.

Additional Thoughts:

It was important for me to realize that there is no magical day out there ahead of me where I will suddenly change all my habits without effort. I am one of those people that would love to just read a book and instantly internalize it, but I know that fully experiencing the process, experimenting, and actually doing the work is a more solid approach.

It's the same way with boundaries, if you were raised with and thus lived your whole adult life with porous boundaries, there's no reason you will suddenly completely change the way you interact with people without making gradual shifts or trying new things out. Not everything can be simply intellectualized and then implemented successfully. Otherwise I would be a yogi master at meditation by now, haha! But in truth I have not actually tried to meditate all that much, I have just read a lot about it. 😉

I was constantly telling myself, "Next time will be different. If I have more than three glasses of wine in a night, then I'm going to quit." But I always chickened out because obviously a part of me wanted to keep drinking. It just felt like too major of a decision. It still feels kind of severe to say that I don't ever want to drink again, but I think the alternative, trying to moderate, is worse for my mental health.

I tried moderation over the last eight years, and I just don't want to do that anymore. It was exhausting – it felt like I was stuck in the movie Groundhog Day. I'm glad The Path gives us a year to learn this material, because I can totally see how I would say "Aha! All better!" after 30 or 90 days of not drinking, and then just end up right back where I started. The shift needs to be more foundational than that, and grounded in my own experiences.

AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 13

My Why: To nurture my inner spirit.

What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink? I felt empowered to make a change in my life. I think I would have put it off longer if I had been mentally bogged down with drinking.

Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.