Day 60: May 30, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
I want to take a break for one full year (so until May 23, 2025), and then I want to be open to the idea that I might never drink again. I think that's all I can say for right now that doesn't feel forced or overwhelming. But I know I need to go more than 30 days, because there are many things I need to unlearn before I can truly make a clear-headed decision.
Most importantly, I need to learn how to do holidays without alcohol in a way that doesn't feel lackluster or rely solely on willpower. I want to try doing everything that a full year brings my way alcohol-free. This way I'll be making an educated decision about whether or not I want to start drinking again, and I'll have even more coping skills at my disposal.
I have a hunch that even if I did try to moderate after this year, I would end up running into problems. This is based on my trying to reintroduce it in May without success. I think that the addictive nature of alcohol is even more of an issue than I realized. I'm hoping by the end of the year I will see it as such a bad idea that I won't ever want to start again! But either way I'm glad I have that non-negotiable list so that no matter where I am in life, I can reevaluate my relationship with alcohol and make choices based on hard evidence.
If I do ever break one of my non-negotiables, I will simply think of it as data from which I can learn rather than spiraling into guilt and shame. For example, the reason I recently decided to stop drinking again (after taking time off from alcohol in April and attempting to reintroduce it in May) is because I could tell I was already about to break a non-negotiable. So I wasn't ready to moderate yet... Who knows if I will ever be ready? It's all an experiment.
Having a non-negotiable doesn't mean you will never break it. If you do break it, that is a sign that your drinking is not really managed – so taking another pause is probably a good idea. That's at least what feels true to me. I appreciate the emphasis on releasing guilt and shame in The Path. We are all just collecting data instead, to help guide our future selves.
AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 7
My Why: To give myself time and space to fully rewire my brain around alcohol.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?
I had energy and motivation to work in our garden beds – I weeded before my husband did the planting. 🌱 I was able to do creative work after dinner again... It feels great to have my faculties about me in the evening! Also, when I went to bed my heart rate was normal.
Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I have compassion for others.
6) I create beauty all around me.
