Day 52: May 22, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
Today's reflection in The Path was on dating, sex and alcohol. What a Pandora's Box that is! Kind of... Since I only had one boyfriend before my husband, I don't have as much experience as many others with dating and alcohol (or dating period, haha) but I will say that I do wish my husband and I had met without the influence of alcohol muddying up the waters. We share the same values and we have been lucky to be able to build a life together that I really cherish, but if I'm being honest, I think alcohol masked some of our issues early on and I wonder about that sometimes.
For example, our personalities are so different and we approach literally every task from opposite viewpoints. That was actually the only red flag that came up in marriage counseling. We had to take a compatibility test, and it found that we had similar values (good!) but that we might frustrate each other by our wildly differing personal habits. That couldn't be more spot on, haha! It's like our Pastor was looking into a crystal ball. ✨🔮✨
This is a constant source of irritation for both of us, but on the other hand I think we've both grown from learning to see things differently. So I don't regret that, but I do think alcohol made it harder to recognize. You just don't analyze relationships that clearly when alcohol is involved. And because so much of our early romance involved drinking, I think it took us longer to really understand who each other was without the artificial shine of alcohol. And some of the early experiences we had with drinking were downright unpleasant / unsafe, and were 100% avoidable.
The other big issue is that both of us struggle with drinking in very similar ways, so at different times we have both had to grapple with that. It's frustrating that alcohol is a part of our relationship at all, but it is just the way it is for now. The reason that's problematic is because whenever we have dates, there is usually at least some kind of alcohol present. That makes it harder for me to want to abstain because it's tied up our romance. I actually feel myself grieving for not being able to drink with him anymore. But I am hoping that when I finally do go alcohol-free for good, I will rub off on him in a positive way so that we can learn how to co-exist without needing alcohol to be part of our special times together.
Luckily I am working on my relationship with alcohol this year, so I don't think hope is lost. And I'm glad we are together. I know marriages change over time. Hopefully me going alcohol free will be a just change for the better in the long run!
Progress Notes / Tips:
There is one last cool thing worth noting! Last night I went through and read all my journal entries from the beginning of The Path. And it is so clear how much more energetic and enthusiastic I seemed when I was abstaining from alcohol completely in April.
Ever since I started incorporating alcohol back in, even in these small amounts, it's just clear that it is affecting me negatively. It's like having a conversation with a good friend who's struggling. You can often see the solution from an outsider's perspective, even if they're not willing to admit it.
That's how I felt about myself last night! It was quite clear upon reading that going alcohol free for real is ultimately going to lead to greater confidence, health, enthusiasm and joy. Now I just need to figure out when I restart the 100% alcohol-free Journey. I could do June 1st, I suppose! The rest of my cohort in The Path is starting on June 11th, so I could wait, but I'm not sure I need those extra 11 days of added stress and waffling. I will ponder this!
In the spirit of full transparency, I was secretly planning to drink again over the holidays, on a sort of pause (I was gonna call it the 12 Days of Christmas). Although this idea sounds sparkly and awesome to me on some level, realistically from outside I can see how I am just trying to bargain with the universe. If I didn't have a problem with drinking, I wouldn't already be thinking about Christmas, haha! 😆 I don't think drinking during the holiday season is going to lead to increased happiness. So I am going to try to let that idea go.
Total Number of Drinks since April 1st: 8
My Why: To get to a place of confidence and joy, knowing that I am equipped to handle struggle because I do not rely on alcohol.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink? I had one glass of Prosseco last night, which kind of bothers me because I wasn't planning to drink. But Paul wanted a glass of wine and it looked good... In the long run I think it will be better to just know that drinking is not on my list of options.
Daily Affirmations:
1) I enjoy freedom from alcohol.
2) I choose to live mindfully.
3) I respect and honor myself.
4) I am worthy of love and care.
5) I give myself patience to heal.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
