Day 41: May 11, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
I think a lot of my stress comes from self-imposed expectations. Like deadlines that I give myself, or packing my schedule too tight and dealing with the aftermath.
Obviously at the end of the day if I have been going non-stop, then drinking sounded like a great idea because it would give me permission to "shut off" for the evening. But that is something this course has done that's positive, it helped me to see that overdoing it on alcohol is 100% not going to help my stress levels that night or the next day. Finding better ways to cope — evaluating my own expectations and especially how I schedule myself (not booking myself up so tightly that there's no margin for error) are going to help me in the long run.
I know not all stressors are things people can just eliminate from their lives, like struggles with family members or dealing with illness, but even then I think finding small, healthier ways to cope is possible no matter what, once we take alcohol off the table as a potential solution. I want to remember this the next time something comes up that I can't solve through scheduling changes.
Conflict is also a big source of stress... Besides my schedule, I think the biggest area of stress is interpersonal conflict. I want to avoid it at all costs, so I essentially just don't deal with it and then carry it around with me everywhere, leading to chronic stress that felt managed through alcohol. But obviously that isn't the best way to deal with stuff!
A couple things churning around my brain today. First off, I'm evaluating expectations of myself. Putting pressure on myself for no reason other than it's a habit, I think. I definitely did this with making rules around drinking, but another place that it's showed up is in a big work project that's due this fall. I gave myself a deadline of ten months to complete it. I've never done this kind of long-term project before, so I didn't really have anything to go on. My estimate sounded reasonable to me at the time. Well, the truth is, it's going about twice as slow as expected.
This was becoming a really big source of stress for me until this week, when I all the re-thinking in The Path showed up in a different form. I realized, why am I trying to fight the reality of the situation? Maybe I just need to be okay with the fact that it's going slower than I initially anticipated but that doesn't mean I am broken or a disaster somehow. I think I'm going to email my project lead on Monday and ask her for an extension, or at least to discuss our options.
Again I'm tempted to give her the best case scenario but maybe I give her the worst so I can take some pressure off myself. I know it's not related to drinking but stress is a big reason I get to the point of wanting to say "F– it!" and drink, so making changes like this is going to be part of how alcohol becomes irrelevant to me.
Secondly, I had another glass of wine at dinner last night with my parents, my third since starting The Path. But something has shifted, which is great. Because I really do feel deep down that alcohol is a drug, I am drinking it a lot slower than I ever did before and the desire to have a second one just wasn't there last night. I'm still a little bit confused as to why I would even want to have any if I know all the disastrous effects it can lead to. But I feel like this course knows that, and we will all naturally get to the point where we don't want it anymore.
For now I think I will just celebrate that I actually drank mindfully and didn't desire to keep going last night. In fact, I registered that my heart rate was elevated for a few hours afterward (like around 88-90 bpm) which isn't my favorite feeling. So it's all data that will, I think, eventually shift how I approach drinking altogether... I wouldn't be surprised if the future me chooses to leave it alone completely! But for now drinking moderately and mindfully feels awesome. And it's partly due to a healthier respect for the dangers of alcohol. I wish they had been made clearer to me earlier on in my life. I am well aware that it's easy to backslide, so that is something I am keeping an eye out for as I continue...
Total Number of Drinks since April 1st: 3
My Why: To build up self control and freedom from addiction.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink? I did in fact have a glass of wine last night with dinner, but I drank it very slowly and didn't desire to have a second one. It felt good to not be grappling with compulsion!
Daily Affirmations:
1) I enjoy freedom from alcohol.
2) I choose to live mindfully.
3) I respect and honor myself.
4) I am worthy of love and care.
5) I give myself patience to heal.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
