Day 39: May 9, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
Although sadness wasn't my main trigger for drinking, I did occasionally drink when I was sad... And the later part of the night always ended up being less peaceful than it could have, and then the next day sucked. I think we try to avoid negative feelings at all costs. I definitely do that. I am thinking about how maybe journaling would be a good way to get through sadness that doesn't necessarily involve dragging my husband into long discussions whenever I am uncomfortable.
And wow, the statistics on drinking and suicide are tragic and eye-opening. More proof for my subconscious that drinking is a drug, not a legit food source. I have been struggling a little bit in the pause with this idea of "moderate" drinking. So far I have only had that one glass of wine, but I am planning to collect a little data now and then before the pause is over. But I'm surprised how much this consumes my thoughts. And how the compulsion to make rules around drinking is still so strong (Only on weekends! Never more than one per sitting! Have an AF drink first/afterwards!) - this mental drain has to signify the fact that drinking is different from other things I consume. I don't make rules around chocolate, I don't obsess about my AF beverages. It doesn't even occur to me to do that.
So as much as I dream about the idea of drinking casually, it already feels inside my head like it's definitely not casual. And there's still some sadness about this. An unwillingness to admit the fact that if drinking is causing unbalanced thinking, then maybe what I'm doing by making rules is just trying to justify something that's not healthy for me (like a kid trying to convince their parents they can have an extra ice cream after dinner). It seems like I will do anything to convince myself I can still have a little bit, that I don't need to become totally alcohol-free. I am trying to trust that this program is a full year for a reason! I know that the goal is to have alcohol feel small and inconsequential, but it certainly doesn't yet!
Total Number of Drinks since April 1st: 1
My Why: To learn how to manage my emotions without abusing mind-altering substances.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink? I enjoyed my nonalcoholic beer while reading last night - being able to maintain focus while I relax is a nice feeling.
Daily Affirmations:
1) I enjoy freedom from alcohol.
2) I choose to live mindfully.
3) I respect and honor myself.
4) I am worthy of love and care.
5) I give myself patience to heal.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
