Day 114: July 23, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
Argh!! I am embarrassed to admit I "fell off the wagon" last night... with social media! 😭😡😣 I often tell people that I struggle with screen time, but I'm not kidding! It's a MAJOR struggle.
Last night I forgot to send an important email, so at around 11:00 p.m. I logged into my computer to send it, but then of course I went on to social media and I didn't go to bed until 3:30 a.m. So now I'm running on just four hours of sleep... GRRR!!!
It's so stupid and I am very mad at myself this morning! It feels exactly the same in terms of compulsion on social media that it does when I drink... It is like literally the same exact chemistry in my brain. I can feel the dopamine working the same way for both behaviors. I can never just have one drink, and I can never just quickly check social media! It draws me in, in an unnatural and very unhealthy way.
Instead of JUST being mad at myself (my usual response) I am trying to think what triggered this behavior. I have a website blocker on social media and that's (usually) enough to keep me off of it. My assistant manages my accounts.
Of course I bypassed the block last night... But WHY? I'm wondering if it has to do with sleep - I am behind on sleep this week and I suppose my willpower might not be at its normal levels.
I definitely don't want to drink, but maybe this was my brain's way of "checking out" with a different "substance". I know about the virtues of a healthy sleep schedule, I'm just wondering what to aim for - currently feeling at a loss in terms of strategy!
My normal bedtime is between 1:00 and 2:00 a.m. and then I'm getting up around 9:30 or 10:00. I know that's late but I tend to do creative work in the evening. But when I go to bed at 3:30 (like last night) and then I have to get up for an appointment (like today) I get thrown off majorly and it takes a few days to recover. I feel silly and at a loss for how to get myself on a normal schedule.
Even if it was 1:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. and it was consistent, I would feel a lot more in control of my life. Haha, drinking made me feel this way too, kind of like a small child who couldn't live like a normal adult. But social media in a weird way is almost more shameful than that! Letting go of shame is part of it... But how do I do that?
Even though I am feeling very frustrated about my social media use, I do feel some hope when I remember one of the main tenants of The Path, which is neuroplasticity! It helps me to remember that I can change frustrating habits, even if they have plagued me for a long time. I know that about drinking now, but there are other areas I want to work on too!
AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 61
My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.
Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
