Day 111: July 20, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
This quote in today's lesson on The Path really resonated with me:
"We are trading our power [when we drink]. Alcohol is an addictive substance, and therefore, by its very nature, you might crave it even when you don't consciously desire it. When we feed these cravings, we further dilute our power and the cycle continues. This leaves us feeling powerless and unable to maintain control."
It's very helpful to consider the trade offs of drinking. I forget that the two to three hours of feeling bad after drinking (while the BAC is falling) is to be expected per drink; this is not the total for an evening. So when I'm looking back at the realistic trade-offs I made after a night of drinking, it wasn't just two to three hours to get the alcohol out of my system. In my case it was actually like six to ten hours of feeling crummy, just to get back to homeostasis!
Another less obvious (but still bad) trade-off that I'm currently dealing with in my life is saying yes to stuff that I don't really want to do. I'm a people-pleaser, so I get a little rush when I agree to something that someone has requested of me... I like to feel helpful! But later on I really get frustrated and down on myself if it's not something I genuinely wanted to do. This happens to me both professionally and socially, but more so professionally.
As an independent artist, I am regularly being offered projects and gigs, so I have to choose which ones to take. I think one damaging message artists often receive is that they're lucky to have work or any opportunities at all. This is the reason that I (mostly unconsciously) feel a great deal of guilt about turning something down if it doesn't feel like a good fit deep down. This year I have to, have to, have to get better at being honest with myself about whether or not I want to do something. In truth, everything I say "yes" to now is a "no" to something else further down the line... There's only so much time in a day!
I think this is going to be a huge turning point for me when I finally gather the courage to just be honest about what things I want to say yes to and what things I'd rather pass on. I'm not saying I don't ever want to do anything, or that I'm averse to working hard (haha although let's be honest, my inner child would not object to early retirement!) but still as a creative I want to have control over the things I make and to focus on my internal vision.
If I constantly say "yes" to things that aren't exciting to me, I end up feeling like I am forcing my creativity just to earn a living. Or worse, that I'm a puppet to some wealthy producer, organization or patron. I am not creating from a space of joy. Now I don't think every single part of my working life has to be marked by enthusiasm or happiness, but the creation of art should be! Let my unpleasant tasks be things like emails and taxes... Not the art itself! I'd rather get a day job than do creative projects not born of my own, genuine inspiration.
I hesitate to even type all of this up because it makes me feel a little bit ungrateful, but acknowledging ALL my feelings is something I need to get used to doing.
AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 58
My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?
I could be fully present as I watched the gorgeous, moving and thought-provoking film,"Perfect Days" with my husband last night... It was such a fabulous movie!
Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
