Day 109: July 18, 2024
What are My Thoughts Today?
Today's lesson on The Path was about becoming more aware of our unconscious thoughts and patterns of behavior. I can be a very reactive person if I don't try to rein it in, especially with my husband. I feel irritated and then say what comes to mind without really trying to do any of the digging that would be necessary to bring an unconscious thought out into the open. Or I quickly jump into anxiety mode or "fixing it" mode without really stopping to evaluate what triggered my behavior in the first place. Creating a little pause before I respond to others and to stimuli in the environment is something I really want to work on... I think I would feel much more centered in my daily life if I could create a little space between what happens to me and my reactions. This is one of the goals of mindfulness, after all!
What resonated with me most in today's lesson on The Path was this journal prompt:
"Start to notice when you feel uneasy or off for no good reason. Oftentimes, that uneasy feeling is a signal that there is some sort of unconscious thought process or story you’re telling yourself. The first step to learning about them is becoming aware of it."
That feels like the story of my life! I am constantly feeling baffled by why I feel "off" about certain people or situations, but because the thoughts are uncomfortable I don't always take the time to really dig in and figure out what is going on. I just turn to avoidance or venting to a sympathetic ear rather than dealing with my unconscious beliefs.
I ignore the signals from my emotions because discomfort around relationships makes me feel like a bad friend, daughter, wife, etc. I carry a lot of guilt about feeling "mean" or "selfish" in my relationships, which is not a very helpful way to view having boundaries or speaking up when you feel gross. In reality, that's not being mean — that's being authentic!
This tendency towards avoidance means I can get myself into pretty terrible relationship situations, because I haven't been honest with my own feelings or with the other person; I have very likely gone along with an unhealthy situation much longer than I should have.
That is something I really need to work on because I am tired of feeling overwhelmed and stressed by relationships. I have realized that often overwhelm stems from not enforcing healthy boundaries around my time. Similarly, stress in relationships is usually about me not wanting to deal with some sort of boundary or uncomfortable conversation. So I choose to keep it just below the surface of my conscious mind so that I don't have to deal with it.
But that is not going to suffice from here on out! Once I know the tricks my mind is trying to play on me, it's my responsibility to work on the issues at hand. No more shame or blame.
I love the phrase, "It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility." It's so true, even though it's not always what I want to hear. It reminds me of author Mark Manson's superhero, Disappointment Panda, who would tell me in a matter-of-fact way that negative emotions are a call to action. When I feel them, it’s because I am supposed to do something... And even though it might be frustrating to admit, Disappointment Panda would be right.
AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 56
My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.
What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?
I tried a CBD sparkling water last night (I split one with a friend) and I wouldn't say it was life-changing, but it was nice to have another option in the toolkit for times when I might be tempted to have a drink. I didn't really notice anything, nor do I want to when having a beverage. To me, checking out is a sign of needing more self-care — and I'm not looking to check out using substances anymore. Nonetheless, I'm glad I tried it! I have personally decided I don't want to try the THC-heavy sparkling beverages because I really don't want to substitute one high for another. But CBD is generally just a physically relaxing substance without a psychological high. So I'm okay with it, but I think I still prefer my NA Guinness.
Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.
