Day 103: July 12, 2024

What are My Thoughts Today?

Today's lesson on The Path was about alcohol and anger. One of the reasons I started evaluating my drinking is I had begun to recognize that alcohol made me more aggressive towards my husband. Not like, punching him or anything, but I definitely got more irritable and meaner after I was drinking – sarcastic and more biting. This only happened when we were home alone together (which was often). Partly I think it was exacerbated because we could use a little more space from each other in general. But it doesn't excuse the behavior.

Even though it was uncomfortable, I am glad my husband started pointing it out in the moment. "You're being mean," he'd say, and usually I couldn't deny it. It didn't happen every time I drank, but it happened enough that I was concerned. I would get upset towards the end of the night, misinterpreting my husband's words or behaviors as overly negative. I would start bickering with him about little things that irritated me, which sometimes led to full-blown arguments. Alcohol made me more emotionally impulsive and less thoughtful.

I didn't get mean or angry in the early days with my husband, or when I drank socially, at least not that I can remember. I think overall I used to be a pretty "fun drunk"... However, when drinking became a coping skill and something I did every night (specifically during the pandemic), my energy shifted. Drinking didn't lift my spirits in the same way it had before.

This really freaked me out, because my grandpa had a problem with alcohol when my dad was growing up. My father has often said that when my grandpa drank it was like a switch would flip and he suddenly became mean, like Jekyll and Hyde. Luckily eventually he got sober, but it really messed up my dad's childhood. I did not want to end up like my grandpa, but I could sense this mean version of me lurking below the surface. That was one reason I started looking at programs like The Path.

I'm really glad today's lesson also addressed the idea that anger is a secondary emotion. It is almost always a reaction to fear and shame. When you feel angry you can take it as a signal that there is another emotion underneath, most likely caused by something you haven't acknowledged yet. When you are angry at your spouse, it's probably not really about whatever it is you think you're fighting about. It's probably that you feel inadequate, or hurt, or you're worried they're not taking care of themselves. But if you never get to the root of the issue, you can have lots of fighting with very little lasting resolve.

When we take away drinking, sometimes we feel miserable for a while, because we were using alcohol to numb out our other unpleasant emotions. So now when these negative feelings come to the surface, we actually have to deal with them. Even though this takes effort and it forces us into uncomfortable emotional spaces, we will be much better off in the long run if we actually face our problems!

I am currently reading a book called Rewired, and it discusses how when we start abusing alcohol, we are just delaying dealing with things that we will need to process eventually if we want to progress. Our issues will still be there when we get sober. So sometimes when we get sober we will have to go quite a ways back and deal with trauma that we have been running from for many years. But once we do the work and get through everything, we can start evolving beyond the point where we got stuck.

AF Days Since May 23, 2024: 50

My Why: To have freedom from addictions, to create more space in my life, to honor my body / mind / spirit, to feel vibrant and empowered in my daily life, and to make my corner of the world a better, more peaceful, more loving & more beautiful place.

What's One Awesome Thing that Happened Yesterday because I Chose Not to Drink?

I made it to Day 50!!! 🎉

Daily Affirmations:
1) I choose to live Alcohol-Free.
2) I respect and honor myself.
3) I am worthy of love and care.
4) I give myself patience to heal.
5) I maintain healthy boundaries.
6) I have compassion for others.
7) I create beauty all around me.